It goes without saying that parenting is hard. Really effing hard.
I knew before I had kids that it wasn’t going to be easy. I’d never heard a parent boasting about how effortless and convenient raising a kid is and I’d watched a couple episodes of Parenthood, so I kind of figured parenting would be more challenging than relaxing. Not exactly rocket science to deduce.
BUT I wasn’t expecting how many moments simply suck. Shit happens a lot. And shit almost always happens at the worst possible moment. Seriously, once you become a parent your life becomes a series of obstacles (usually involving poop, pee, vomit, no sleep, tears or uneaten food) occurring at the most inopportune times.
So I’ve put together a sampling of the most inconveniently timed moments of parenthood — moments that I’m sure every parent will likely endure at some point:
- What Goes Down, Comes Back Up
After weeks of wearing outfits that could be considered pajamas (or may actually be pajamas), you finally put on a fashionable new shirt. Exactly 20 seconds later, your baby spits up all over you, spewing about a gallon of the most vile sour milk cocktail ever on your only nice top.
- The Cockblock
The kids have been sleeping for almost an hour, all is quiet. This is finally your chance for a little sumthin’ sumthin’ with the hubs. You head to the bedroom to get your romantic on. Just as the last article of clothing is removed, all the kids start crying in unison.
- Highway to Hell
You’re all settled in for a long-ass car trip. Your child sucks down a bottle of fruit punch in the hot car as you sit in highway traffic. Three minutes later and three miles into the trip (200+ miles to go), your child projectile vomits the smelliest red fruit punch puke known to man. No surface in the minivan is left untouched. And your beige seats are now red. And you’re still stuck in traffic. And there’s no shoulder to pullover.
- The Blowout
You spent about two hours getting your baby bathed and dressed in a fancy outfit (that you spent way too much money on) for photos with Santa Claus. You haul ass to the mall and then wait in a ridiculously long line for over an hour. You’re next in line when your baby has an epic blowout, the shit shooting all the way up to her neck.
- Nap, Interrupted
A small miracle has occurred – all of your children are napping at the same time. You break out into a silent happy dance. AND then the UPS man f’ing rings the doorbell (multiple times) and your dog (and all the neighborhood dogs) start barking. And just like that everyone is wide awake.
- Shower, Interrupted
You’re happily taking your shower with your toddler, who is happily playing with some bath toys. You put shampoo in your hair and work up a good lather. Before you can rinse, your toddler takes a poop at your feet.
- Stranded Without a Diaper Bag
You just left to run errands when you realize you forgot the dang diaper bag. But your baby is content, having just pooped and peed before leaving the house, so you decide to live on the edge and run into the grocery store without the diaper bag. While in the frozen food aisle, you discover that your baby was not done pooping. Not only does she need a new diaper and a change of clothes, the shopping cart also needs to be hosed down and sanitized. And you do not have a single wet wipe.
- When Nature Calls
You’ve just spent an hour getting your child dressed, making sure they have on mittens, a hat, snow boots and a scarf for the cold conditions outside. Now you are running late, since your child alternated between playing dead and spazzing out while you forced him into clothing. Your child is equally cooperative while being strapped into the car seat. Drawing upon all of your inner and physical strength, you finally manage to secure him in the f’ing seat. Then before you can even shut the car door, your child announces that he has to poop right NOW.
- The Unwelcome Guest
You haven’t vacuumed in at least two weeks and can’t even remember the last time you dusted. Dirty dishes are piled in the sink. The floor looks like Toys R Us threw up on it. The remains of a McDonald’s lunch are strewn across the kitchen table. Play-doh is stuck in your hair and you didn’t bother to brush your teeth this morning. The children are mid-tantrum, or possibly in the middle of exorcising demons, ignoring the cartoons that are blaring on the TV while only wearing underwear. Particles from a chocolate donut are smeared across one child’s face. You’re just about to join in with your children’s throes of anguish when a non-parent friend (with nails and hair done) pops in for a surprise visit.
- Caught Red-Handed
It’s naptime and your child is fast asleep. Sweeeeet. You turn on a rerun of the Real Housewives (or just leave on Sofia the First) and grab a snack to enjoy a few moments of solitude. As you are about to pig out on your Chunky Monkey ice cream, your child walks in.
- Miles from the Potty
You finally decide to get some exercise and force your toddler into a jogging stroller. Two miles away from your house, your heavy-ass child announces they have to pee RIGHT NOW as you are about to have a heart attack.
- Stocked for Nothing
Your child suddenly LOVES yogurt, the healthiest thing he’s eaten in a year. You buy about a million containers at the grocery store for his 3-a-day diet. The next day you serve his favorite yogurt for lunch and he suddenly HATES yogurt. Good thing the fridge is full of it.
- No Room
Your children are clean and dressed and for once they are both smiling and willing to participate in a photo. This NEVER happens. So using your best ninja moves and dashing faster than light, you retrieve your iPhone just in time to snap a pic. You press the button and the dreaded message pops up: “Cannot Take Photo. There is not enough available storage to take a photo.” EFF you, iPhone.
- Sick Day
Traffic made your morning commute an extra forty minutes long. You finally arrive at work (only one hour late) and you’re heading to the first of ten meetings – you have a super busy day because your vacation starts tomorrow. Then your cell rings. It’s daycare. Your kid has a 102.5 fever and you need to pick him up NOW. And just like that you’re back in your car commuting and your vacation is over before it even begins.
- Witching Hour
The clock strikes five and it’s the end of the longest day ever. The kids have been whining for approximately three hours straight and you’re trying to make something that resembles dinner (i.e. heating up a can of Chef Boyardee) while they claw at your legs and sob because Paw Patrol is over when your spouse calls to tell you that he’s running late.
And there will be about a zillion other situations just like this. That’s why kids are cute and we have wine. And every time you survive one of these moments, you totally earn a pass to order pizza delivery for dinner, no judgments. Happy parenting!