The 15 Most Inconveniently Timed Moments of Parenthood

It goes without saying that parenting is hard. Really effing hard.

I knew before I had kids that it wasn’t going to be easy. I’d never heard a parent boasting about how effortless and convenient raising a kid is and I’d watched a couple episodes of Parenthood, so I kind of figured parenting would be more challenging than relaxing. Not exactly rocket science to deduce.

BUT I wasn’t expecting how many moments simply suck. Shit happens a lot. And shit almost always happens at the worst possible moment. Seriously, once you become a parent your life becomes a series of obstacles (usually involving poop, pee, vomit, no sleep, tears or uneaten food) occurring at the most inopportune times.

So I’ve put together a sampling of the most inconveniently timed moments of parenthood — moments that I’m sure every parent will likely endure at some point:

  1. What Goes Down, Comes Back Up
    After weeks of wearing outfits that could be considered pajamas (or may actually be pajamas), you finally put on a fashionable new shirt. Exactly 20 seconds later, your baby spits up all over you, spewing about a gallon of the most vile sour milk cocktail ever on your only nice top.
  2. The Cockblock
    The kids have been sleeping for almost an hour, all is quiet. This is finally your chance for a little sumthin’ sumthin’ with the hubs. You head to the bedroom to get your romantic on. Just as the last article of clothing is removed, all the kids start crying in unison.
  3. Highway to Hell
    You’re all settled in for a long-ass car trip. Your child sucks down a bottle of fruit punch in the hot car as you sit in highway traffic. Three minutes later and three miles into the trip (200+ miles to go), your child projectile vomits the smelliest red fruit punch puke known to man. No surface in the minivan is left untouched. And your beige seats are now red. And you’re still stuck in traffic. And there’s no shoulder to pullover.
  4. The Blowout
    You spent about two hours getting your baby bathed and dressed in a fancy outfit (that you spent way too much money on) for photos with Santa Claus. You haul ass to the mall and then wait in a ridiculously long line for over an hour. You’re next in line when your baby has an epic blowout, the shit shooting all the way up to her neck.
  5. Nap, Interrupted
    A small miracle has occurred – all of your children are napping at the same time. You break out into a silent happy dance. AND then the UPS man f’ing rings the doorbell (multiple times) and your dog (and all the neighborhood dogs) start barking. And just like that everyone is wide awake.
  6. Shower, Interrupted
    You’re happily taking your shower with your toddler, who is happily playing with some bath toys. You put shampoo in your hair and work up a good lather. Before you can rinse, your toddler takes a poop at your feet.
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  7. Stranded Without a Diaper Bag
    You just left to run errands when you realize you forgot the dang diaper bag. But your baby is content, having just pooped and peed before leaving the house, so you decide to live on the edge and run into the grocery store without the diaper bag. While in the frozen food aisle, you discover that your baby was not done pooping. Not only does she need a new diaper and a change of clothes, the shopping cart also needs to be hosed down and sanitized. And you do not have a single wet wipe.
  8. When Nature Calls
    You’ve just spent an hour getting your child dressed, making sure they have on mittens, a hat, snow boots and a scarf for the cold conditions outside. Now you are running late, since your child alternated between playing dead and spazzing out while you forced him into clothing. Your child is equally cooperative while being strapped into the car seat. Drawing upon all of your inner and physical strength, you finally manage to secure him in the f’ing seat. Then before you can even shut the car door, your child announces that he has to poop right NOW.
  9. The Unwelcome Guest
    You haven’t vacuumed in at least two weeks and can’t even remember the last time you dusted. Dirty dishes are piled in the sink. The floor looks like Toys R Us threw up on it. The remains of a McDonald’s lunch are strewn across the kitchen table. Play-doh is stuck in your hair and you didn’t bother to brush your teeth this morning. The children are mid-tantrum, or possibly in the middle of exorcising demons, ignoring the cartoons that are blaring on the TV while only wearing underwear. Particles from a chocolate donut are smeared across one child’s face. You’re just about to join in with your children’s throes of anguish when a non-parent friend (with nails and hair done) pops in for a surprise visit.
    inconvenient moments of parenthood
  10. Caught Red-Handed
    It’s naptime and your child is fast asleep. Sweeeeet. You turn on a rerun of the Real Housewives (or just leave on Sofia the First) and grab a snack to enjoy a few moments of solitude. As you are about to pig out on your Chunky Monkey ice cream, your child walks in.
  11. Miles from the Potty
    You finally decide to get some exercise and force your toddler into a jogging stroller. Two miles away from your house, your heavy-ass child announces they have to pee RIGHT NOW as you are about to have a heart attack.
  12. Stocked for Nothing
    Your child suddenly LOVES yogurt, the healthiest thing he’s eaten in a year. You buy about a million containers at the grocery store for his 3-a-day diet. The next day you serve his favorite yogurt for lunch and he suddenly HATES yogurt. Good thing the fridge is full of it.
  13. No Room
    Your children are clean and dressed and for once they are both smiling and willing to participate in a photo. This NEVER happens. So using your best ninja moves and dashing faster than light, you retrieve your iPhone just in time to snap a pic. You press the button and the dreaded message pops up: “Cannot Take Photo. There is not enough available storage to take a photo.” EFF you, iPhone.
  14. Sick Day
    Traffic made your morning commute an extra forty minutes long. You finally arrive at work (only one hour late) and you’re heading to the first of ten meetings – you have a super busy day because your vacation starts tomorrow. Then your cell rings. It’s daycare. Your kid has a 102.5 fever and you need to pick him up NOW. And just like that you’re back in your car commuting and your vacation is over before it even begins.
  15. Witching Hour
    The clock strikes five and it’s the end of the longest day ever. The kids have been whining for approximately three hours straight and you’re trying to make something that resembles dinner (i.e. heating up a can of Chef Boyardee) while they claw at your legs and sob because Paw Patrol is over when your spouse calls to tell you that he’s running late.

And there will be about a zillion other situations just like this. That’s why kids are cute and we have wine. And every time you survive one of these moments, you totally earn a pass to order pizza delivery for dinner, no judgments. Happy parenting!

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46 Responses to The 15 Most Inconveniently Timed Moments of Parenthood

    • Me too! I have such a sweet tooth too. I just want to eat my chocolate to get through the day, but I never can because someone always ruins it!!

  1. All of this is so true! I laughed so hard at the tantrum or exercising demons. So funny. The kids arch their back and everything! My husband just last week did the “I am going to be late” thing and I kid you not, I felt like I would not make it until he got home. Absolutely impossible task. SO I gave my 7 year old her tablet and let the younger two play with some Tupperware and cups in the kitchen sink. My husband cleaned up the mess, and had to pry the tablet from my zombie eyed 7 year old :)

  2. Love.This. I can totally related to most of this list…and sadly, that’s just with one. We’re thinking of adding another one to the mix, so I’m sure I’ll hit each and every one. LOL

  3. Great post! I know I have experience each one of these some time or other and my oldest three are kind of close together so it was x3 and than I got a little break as they got a little older and than came along number 4 and start over again. I laugh and laugh throughout this post.

  4. oh gosh, one and five are my liiiifee right now. my 1 year olds second nap falls about 30 minutes before the buss drops kids off on the corner near my house, which means my dogs starts barking. In case you didn’t know, 30 minutes is juuuuuuustt enough time for my kid to get enough sleep to not be able to fall back asleep and also be cranky and tired the rest of the day. great.

    • I feel your pain! It’s been even worse lately because we have the windows open. Forget about conserving energy — I think I need to shut the windows and turn on the A/C permanently this summer, lol.

  5. I’m now a grandmother but boy do I remember so many of those. The worst for me was when I would sit down to eat something in peace and quiet and a little one would wake up and stroll in. Arrgghh!

  6. I do not have children of my own. I do have my niece and my oh my, she is a handful. I cannot use the bathroom alone without her peeking her little fingers under the doorway! Great post!

  7. Oh my goodness you made me laugh… And relate. 2 kids and a 3rd on the way and I couldn’t agree more! Well written & thanks for the laugh!

  8. #9 is especially true for me. I love houseguests BUT I HATE when they show up unannounced! They never pop up when the house is clean always when it’s a mess.

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