Recently we were talking about going #1 and #2 during a family dinner with my sisters and parents (totally normal discussion, right?). One thing could be concluded from this conversation:
Whoever came up with the terms “restroom” and “bathroom break” was clearly a man.
Yep, there are some distinct differences between a dad using the commode and a mom going to the loo.
Daddy Using the Bathroom:
He grabs his phone and heads to the bathroom alone.
He shuts and locks bathroom door.
He settles comfortably onto the porcelain throne.
He checks email and ESPN on his phone.
He takes as much time as needed to make sure that every last molecule of waste is eliminated from his body without over-straining.
He leisurely peruses Facebook, liking and commenting on what’s been posted since the last time he crapped, and finds a few videos about dogs and bacon to watch.
He analyzes his fantasy football league.
He checks email again and responds to personal messages and texts that have been ignored since the last time he crapped.
For a few moments, he drifts into sleep.
He fully awakens and once again tries to pee and poop, to ensure that everything is indeed out.
He unrolls precisely 8 sheets of plush toilet paper and carefully folds them.
He wipes gently but thoroughly, repeating process with more toilet paper as needed.
After flushing the toilet, even though he is “done,” he sits down for a few more minutes. Rest is needed from the physical toll of the bowel movement. And this is actually a courtesy, allowing time for the smell to dissipate.
He washes hands, waiting for water to warm to a delightful temperature and working up a good lather with the soap.
He dries hands completely.
He checks out eye contacts and nose hairs in the mirror.
Finally, 40 minutes after entering alone, he exits the john.
Mommy Using the Bathroom:
She runs to the bathroom, pulling her pants down on the way there to save time.
She leaves the door wide open so that her eyes can remain on her children, one of which has followed her into the bathroom.
She rushes to put her bottom on the seat before her toddler begins playing with the toilet water.
Just as she is about to go, her preschooler runs in and announces he needs to pee right NOW.
She quickly vacates the seat and helps him use the potty. He informs her that he has to pee AND poop. Mommy cannot remember the last time she peed. Her bladder feels like it might explode.
Once he is finally done, she plops back on the toilet as fast as possible. Her toddler climbs on her lap and pulls her hair.
While hurriedly excreting and trying to move her toddler, she yells loudly – “Do NOT push your sister again! Get away from the dog food!! Don’t you climb in that bathtub!!”
There’s more that needs to come out, but she must get off the toilet now since her preschooler is trying to pour himself a glass of milk from a full gallon while teetering on a stool.
She grabs a bunch of toilet paper and swiftly and efficiently wipes with her toddler grabbing at the TP and poking her while giggling “Mommy big butt!”
Then she rapidly rinses her hands in cold water and runs out of the bathroom with wet hands as she tries to pull up her pants with her toddler wrapped around her leg while yelling “I said NO!!”